What's in a name? Part II

A while back, before Christmas, I wrote a story on team nicknames. I promised a part two and, well, here it is.

In this column I will focus on people’s names.

Now, there are several reasons why a name might be amusing. Perhaps it’s the humourous combination of the first and last name like former NFL great Dick Butkus. Or it could be a foreign name like NBA rookie Bismack Biyombo. I would love to announce that name before the game - “Bizzzzzzzz-mack Beeeeeeeeee-yombo!” You also have your legal name changes like L.A. Laker Ron Artest becoming Mecca World Peace, ironic when you consider he wandered into the stands and started throwing punches at spectators during the infamous Piston-Pacer brawl in 2006.

Finally you have your hippy baby names and famous actor baby names. Moon-Unit Zappa may be cute when you are five years-old, but when you’re trying to become a serious business person, it may not be too helpful. Recently you have Apple and Moses, the daughter and son, respectively, of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin. Then there’s Audio Science, the son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton, whoever they are. Not to be outdone, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz named their son Bronx Mowgli. Finally, magician Penn Jillette and his wife Emily named their daughter Moxie CrimeFighter.

I remember a while back when the Occupy Movement was big. There was a picture of a lady in the Vancouver camp named Happi Cancer. Now I don’t know if that’s her real name, but that’s quite the oxymoron.

After that foray into entertainers, we’ll go back to sports. With hundreds of teams with thousands of players, you’re bound to get some different names.

The Syracuse Orange of the NCAA are #2 in the latest top 25, but might be #1 in names. You start at guard with Scoop Jardine, at forward you have the very festive Rakeem Christmas, and at centre there’s Fab Melo. What makes Fab’s name even better is that several years ago Syracuse won a national championship led by star player Carmelo Anthony, who is best known as “Melo”. And he was very fabulous.

When I lived in Cranbrook I covered the Kootenay Ice of the WHL. One of the top line forwards for the team was one Steele Boomer. With a name like that, you’d expect a brick out-house type with a thundering slap-shot. Alas, he was a slight, speedy centre.

In the KIJHL, top 20 scorers Senate Patton from Kimberley and Uriah Machuga of Spokane lead my top names list. Third would be Osoyoos centre Dexter Dancs. It’s alliterative and smart-sounding.

Back in Alberta, there was a senior ‘B’ mens hockey player named Wilbur Yellow Old Woman. Very intimidating. In Brooks I coached a bantam boys basketball team. Being a very multi-ethnic city, name pronunciation was often a challenge.

One of our players was named Desmond Manyshots. Fortunately, he didn’t take that many shots.

There was also a cop named Anita Doktor in Brooks before I got there. I could imagine her going into the hospital:

“I need to see a doctor.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I have an injury.”

“What is your name?”

“Anita Doktor.”

“Yes, I know. But what is your name?”

“That is my name!”

The NHL has had some great names including Zarley Zalapski, Radek Bonk, Hakan Loob, Jeff Beukeboom, and the devilish Miroslav Satan.

In pro football, you’ve got to give the edge to Chuck Long. With a name like that, you’re pretty much destined to be a quarterback. In other names that sound like the sport, how about tennis player Anna Smashnova?

Baseball has the board game-friendly Milton Bradley, former pitcher Rollie Fingers as well as current star Albert Pujols. And who could forget cereal slugger Coco Crisp.

In the NBA you have Von Wafer, Tiny Gallon, and Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje (pronounced boom-shay). There was also the NCAA hoop playing brothers named Scientific and Majestic Mapp.

Former NBA guard Mookie Blaylock was a great baller with a cool name. In fact, Pearl Jam was originally named after him. Then he said they couldn’t be. That wasn’t so cool.

It always seems great players have cool names. Or do we think they’re cool because they’re associated with greatness. It always makes me wonder - does the player live up to the name? or does the name inspire certain greatness.

For example, Lebron James, Michael Jordan, Bart Starr, Tiger Woods, or Mike Tyson. Short, strong, powerful. Could someone named Fred Finklestein or Cletus Hinklebottom be a legendary players?

We’ll leave with three more names for you. Olympic skier Picabo (peek-a-boo) Street. Where did she go? I don’t know. Picabo. Oh there you are.

Former NBA player God Shammgod. Sadly, his name couldn’t keep him in the pros for more than one year. We’ll end with hefty major leaguer Prince Fielder, who, sadly, is a first baseman and not a fielder nor is he a prince.