One of the main reasons marriages struggle is unmet expectations.
For many couples, there is an ongoing stream of disappointment from unrealistic and often unspoken expectations spouses have for one another.
We come to marriage with more expectations than we realize. There are 1,001 influences, cultural, familial, etc. that shape our perspectives and underlying expectations. These expectations are so deeply embedded in our worldview that we rarely consider them as being a topic for discussion. We assume everyone else looks at things the same way we do.
We see unmet expectations throughout the Scriptures. Sometimes they were false expectations of God and sometimes unrealistic expectations of others. The Psalmist in Psalms 73 expected that the ungodly should not experience prosperity while he served God and struggled. Rachel expected that she would have children and blamed her husband Jacob when she didn’t (Genesis 30:1). Many others could be cited.
Of course, not all expectations are wrong or unreasonable. Marriage itself is built on the expectation that your spouse will honour his or her vows to you. You expect that your marriage will grow and that you are both fully committed to each other. Here are a few common expectations that cause marriages to struggle.
“I thought marriage would make me happy.” There are many states of happiness to be found in marriage, however, no spouse is perfect and no one person can be your single source of happiness. Only Jesus can give you continuing happiness.
“I thought my spouse would meet all of my needs.” Focusing on your needs can only ruin a marriage. Ephesians 5 speaks to the individual nature of each spouse’s needs as it commands wives to honour their husbands and husbands to love their wives. The command is to each spouse to meet the needs of the other and not to focus on their own.
“I thought he/she would change after we got married.” It’s been said, a man marries a woman expecting her to never change and a woman marries a man expecting him to change — they’re both disappointed. Marrying someone with the expectation that they will become a different person after marriage is unreasonable and unfair. Before you marry, your job is to be sure the person you want to marry can be trusted.
“I thought marriage would be easy.” Actually, most marriages hit a wall. Many couples are surprised by a season of difficulty in their marriage but especially for the Christian, these difficulties can always be worked through with the grace of God and the application of Biblical truth. Determine to strengthen your relationship, you’ll get through it and be stronger for it. God designed and instituted marriage. Learn, trust and follow His plan for marriage and you’ll find the blessing He intended.